I’m back I guess.
At the beginning of the year I had a few ideas for what I would do with this blog. After a few months of indecision and distraction I’ve decided to just get to it. I’ll still write on Catholic topics, but I’m also going to use this as a personal blog. i think I need a place to vent my frustrations and get advice. (I’m always open to advice. If you’re smarter than me and ever want to tell me something, please do it.) So that’s what I’m doing now.
I started the year with a lot of enthusiasm which I lost pretty quickly. By February I was one hundred percent back on the depression train. It took me an average of two hours to get out of bed every day. I was going to work and that’s it. I was making too little money to go out anyway. And I had medical issues to worry about with my family. So I just stayed at home all the time worrying about the future and the present. All of this combined made for a very unhealthy Rey.
In April I made an appointment to start a treatment plan. In 2014 I started counseling and Lexapro. The former was very fruitful for me and the latter did nothing. I figured I’d give it another shot. I met with a great PA who put me on fluoxetine. I wasn’t very optimistic since I didn’t seem to respond to the SSRI I was on before, but for whatever reason it seems to be working this time. I don’t spend my nights fighting off anxiety attacks anymore. The depressive symptoms are still pretty prominent, but I think that’s manageable. I can’t express this idea any better than Andrew Solomon did in his brilliant TED Talk: Depression, The Secret we Share.
“If you told me that I’d have to be depressed for the next month, I would say, “As long I know it’ll be over in November, I can do it.” But if you said to me, “You have to have acute anxiety for the next month,” I would rather slit my wrist than go through it. It was the feeling all the time like that feeling you have if you’re walking and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you, but instead of lasting half a second, the way that does, it lasted for six months. It’s a sensation of being afraid all the time but not even knowing what it is that you’re afraid of…”
So the anxiety issues seem to be under control. Nowadays I just try to keep my head up. I’m doing much better.
I’m also staying fairly productive. I started working at the University of the Incarnate Word in the library. I basically work alone and have all of my time to myself. I’ve spent that time learning Digital Audio Workstations, web design, and studying. I’ve launched two businesses: one as a speaker and consultant for Catholic evangelization and another building websites. Here’s to hoping for independence.
I applied for a job I was perfect for and didn’t get it. Now I’m just applying everywhere and anywhere. I’m no longer involved at the parish where I’ve worshiped for twenty years and I don’t know how I fell about it. I’m giving up on romance because I can’t get hyped and let down anymore. My dog hurt her butt and that makes me sad. She’s making a slow but steady recovery.
I’m excited to start writing again. And I’m excited you’re reading this.
And I think that’s it.
Until next time, Internet.
April 2, 2023 at 9:04 pm
This is a greaat post thanks